Tender paw prints..


Phia and I before it was time for her to go

   warranted and understood
Wagging tails and ragged purrs
    A fondness to form
Changing all.

Staying for moments
   ending far too soon
Lives forever changed
     And sent ahead with love
Memories of joy undimmed.

Every moment
Every lick
  Every game
   Every purr
    Every thing
Each a blessing beyond measure.

Fallen and yet to fall
   Sinking into fur warm and soft
A big tongue to wipe them away.
    Peace found in peace given.

The most loving act
   most painful still
the giving back a freedom
    to play without reserve
love forever carried.

Peace is found
  in giving peace
There is no more pain
   No more uncertainty
More than worthy of this kindness

   And Loved.


Pudders - just before she became an angel....

Rest in peace, my beloved Phia.
Rest in peace, my precious Pudders.

Come snuggle with me tonight and every night to come. I will miss your physical presence and grateful that your spirits will be with me always, all ways.

I love you both. You will always be mine.

*yesterday, May 5, 2013, Pudders passed from this world and is waiting for us on the rainbow bridge until it is our time. Dan (my husband dear) rescued her 19 years ago from a farmer who was ready to end her life. The life she gave us was beyond expectations…

Today, May 6, 2013 we released our 13 year old dog Ophelia Jane from her well worn body. We thought that we were losing her a full year ago. She rallied and healed. I know now- She stayed with us until she knew we were safe. The cancer had come back and stopped her digestive system from working properly. She was in far too much pain and discomfort. Although it was painful for us, her physical pain was more so we did the most loving thing we could. I held her head in my lap as she slipped away.  I am sad but grateful for every moment together.

with Love, Light and Blessings….


The truth about Methadone and Pain Management…

OK… my level of frustration has reached a level where I must educate someone, somewhere, knowing that it may not make a difference in my life, but this may help another person suffering from chronic pain.

This is how I create a silver lining when all I can see are dark clouds.

Dan and I have MS. It manifests as extreme chronic pain. In order to maintain a manageable quality of life, we take pain medications.

There is one medication, used for decades for long lasting pain control. It has also been used to help addicts get off of heroin. For us, Methadone has been a life saver but it also has damned us to extreme discrimination.

Methadone works on specific receptors in the brain. These receptors are also subject to heroin.  Think of keys and locks.  The drug is the key, the brain cell is the lock.  Methadone, when used for drug abuse, blocks the cell’s lock so that heroin cannot act upon the brain. When used for pain control, it unlocks the nerve cell and suppresses the pain signals, thus reducing pain.

We each have been prescribed low dose methadone (for pain control) for over a decade. We have never, ever, even tried heroin. Why are we being treated like drug abusers?

Our current problem is finding a doctor out here in rural Illinois that is willing to prescribe methadone for pain control. Even the “pain management specialists” are scared of it. But here’s the fucker- we have less than 2 weeks of medication left. It would be quite dangerous if we just stop the medication. The withdrawal would stress our bodies- stress we cannot afford.
Dan has survived 3 pulmonary embolism since we got married  (a blessed miracle three times over) – it is this kind of stress that could generate another clot.

We have an appointment with one doc at the end of March. There is no way we can make it to then.

So everyone- please understand. Methadone is a well studied and widely used pain control medication. Don’t just assume that it’s for drug abuse. 

I just pray that we find a solution.
Thanks for listening….

with Love, Light and Blessings….

Without question…I’m exactly where I need to be…

Without question…I’m exactly where I need to be…

When I meet someone new (like You, Dear Reader), and we begin to share our deeper selves, there is always a moment (or ten) where we share time telling of our “origin narratives”. Who we were, what happened and what grew or was laid aside. It could be seen as a way to provide the in-sight to who we are in this moment  and as a link to our dreams and a sharing of hopes that can help spur growth, in ways unforeseen.

I’ve never been a superficial person. With me- I don’t have energy in excess. I have enough to do what is mine to do. (If I don’t have the energy, it is not mine). So- I go deep. Expect that from me. I make meaning by communication- talking (writing and sharing) out an idea opens me to the vast possibilities. And frees my spirit to speak.

At some point, early on usually (for me at least), my listeners express pity in some respect to some aspect of my path until now. Don’t feel bad if this happens to you. I listen for what is motivating the expression of compassion.  It is always received with joy for what it is- an expression of empathy, an opening to a far deeper dialogue about challenges and blessings- two words, soon to be expressed as one and the same, for my whole story, the joyous and the sad, the pain in creation has given me rich, fertilized soil to plant my intentions. Most lessons are best seen as learning experiences, allowing and slowing down of time and distance, working their magic. And in the end, Hopefully, we are all a bit stronger, a bit wiser and a bit more loving.

So….hm. really really long preamble to the “simple ” personal “truth”—–

I am exactly where I am supposed to be   it doesn’t matter where I am. I am safe. I am loved,  mostly without condition- we’re still working through the stories that got us to this point. Once we get through the bigger previous chapters-ones important to understand the type of help being requested- then we will all be walking towards our Highest Truths together.
That is my hope, at least for now .
     Good enough for now.
So I have found something important, in my ramblings.

I am in the “perfect” place for the things I need to learn, to grow the way I need to grow and love everyone as best I can. And that includes me.

Coffee, yogurt (strawberry)  and my favorite pack/pride. Just right. And I am grateful.

Have a blessed Saturday. May it be just what you need.


Any question where I should be?

with Love, Light and Blessings….

Cold Gratitude…

It is cold here. Like wind chill in the NEGATIVE TWENTIES


Way too cold but way too beautiful...

365 days ago I had 70 degree weather outside. Light breeze, if I remember correctly. It was a perfect day for a lovely stop by the beach on my way home from work.
Kind of…not really.

I was at a point where every action i  did was directly linked to my survival and still working full time. Wake up, work, inhale lunch, work more, drive home, cook a bag of something, sit on couch, try to work, fall asleep working and crawl into bed.
So the weather was beautiful but unreachable. I gave all I had for my 31 “kids “. It was worth it. I would do the same if I could today….

As I am blessed with challenges, there is a higher truth at play….

Yes. I am disabled and can no longer work. Yes, we didn’t choose to live with family but the Universe decided it was time to work on our humbleness. We are given this chance to re-vision our lives. Really being free to choose where our energy goes, without distractions.
It is beautiful here.
We got up, drank our coffee, took care of the animals, read and prayed, ate a bit, and did our work for the day – the calling of doctors and managing health stuff (on the necessary list). Then we walked down to the car to run it for a bit and stacked fire wood for today and tomorrow. I was able to do this today, without hurting myself…
Now I reflect, eat a bit more and allow my body the rest it demands. My daily “recharges” are mandatory. I have no choice- my body will claim sleep, regardless of my activity or posture. I will be asleep within 15 minutes. Desire has nothing to do with this.
So I make the process as pleasant as possible. Snuggling down with the animals and playing soft music help me find the warmth and peace I need to fully “plug in” and make the most of what I have.

In Part of my daily prayers I say:
I am blessed with all I need to do what is mine to do. If I do not have the energy, it is not mine to do

Now is my chance to learn what that means…

with Love, Light and Blessings….